Unsteady
by Lionesscreator
Summary: What comes after war? For Shikamaru that question is not clear anymore. With all the destruction, there is nothing to live for. Rated M for language COMPLETED STORY.


There was absolutely nothing. The darkness surrounding me, reflected the picture in my mind, bleak with nothing. The taste of cigarettes had become even more addictive to me now as the time went on. It was the only thing that could get me thought the day, well that and drinking. I know they are the worst habits a man could pick up but at this point, it doesn't really matter.

Tick tock tick tock.

I could hear my old mans watch, nagging me from the back of my mind. 'On time, on time, it's important for a man to always be on time. Because you can always hold him accountable for his words.'

I wish That damn ticking sound would just go away- but it doesn't.… it was always with me. To nag and torture me, remind me of my duty and responsible because he isn't . Every time I closed my eyes I pictured him.

Damn old man why won't you leave me alone…

The soft sounds of grass crunching under light feet filled my ears. I took out two cigarettes this time, I knew I would be needing it.

"Where have you been?"

"Off." I didn't know how else to simply say it. I mean I think it looked pretty obvious if you asked me.

"When are you coming back?" I made little effort to shrug my shoulders as a response to her question.

"How did you get in?"

"Your mother gave me permission." Damn mom, I felt her wind against my skin as she sat next to me. Her eyes were on me, I could feel them. I part of me wondered if they held concern or worry, the rest of me didn't have the energy or want to care anymore. "So?"

"So."

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"I shrugged my shoulders didn't i? That means I don't know. I requested off for a while on missions . I need to stay home with my mom anyways."

"That's not what I mean." Huh? She was getting upset with me, I could tell by the sudden change in the tone of her voice. It got an octave higher. " when are you, Shikamaru, coming back?" There she goes, being all internal with me. Ugh for someone who is so cold with others, she sure as hell is open with her emotions with me.

"Huh, I don't know what you're talking about." I used my senses to open a new pack of cigarettes. Yea, the two I mentioned earlier weren't going to be enough anymore. A swift motion hit my hand, leaving me without my lighter and smokes. "Hey!" I begrudgingly sat up. "Temari I'm not in the mood to be playing one of your stupid games."

"Good, I didn't feel like being nice to you anyway. Talk to me Nara." I reached for my pack of cigarettes and lighter but she held it just out of my reach.

"Dammit Temari, you're pissing me off-"

"Good! Why weren't you have the shinobi meeting this morning?"

"I was busy."

"Doing what?"

"My business."

"Don't toy with me. You've been avoiding my messages to you as well, why?"

"I don't really feel like talking much these days."

"What I've heard, you haven't been talking much to anyone. You've isolated yourself like last time, but worse." I turned away from her. I didn't need those damn cigarettes anyway. I had been trying to stop smoking anyway, but all the times seemed too damn inconvenient for me. " If not talk to me then talk to someone."

"I don't need to talk to anyone Temari. Why do you think I've stopped talking to you, I don't want to talk." God, why did everyone feel the need that they had to talk to someone? "Did it ever occur to you that maybe people just wanted to be left alone to deal with things themselves?"

"Yes, but when they are intentionally hurting themselves it's different. Shikamaru I know you're hurting right now-"

"You don't know a damn thing!"I cut her off, I didn't have time for her to be sorry for me. I got up to leave. Even in our own clans Forrest I can't get time to my God dam self! What does everyone want from me? I tried going back to work to help after the war- but it's all for nothing! Everything is in shambles, lives are ruined…families are ruined. Do we really think planning some fucking get together event to help the fallen nations is going to help anything? "Get out of my way."

My narrowed black eyes looked down to narrowed teal ones. There she go'd crossing her arms again, there she go's tapping that one foot when she gets irritated.

"Not until you talk to me, or agree to talk to someone else."

"Who the hell are you, my mother now? I already have one of those. I don't need another women bossing me around in my life."

"You could have fooled me. Because you're treating her like she's not there struggling along with you." Red, that's all I saw, that's all I felt. Who the hell was she to come here and talk to me in any sort of way, who the hell was she to make some pre-based decision for me off of the gossip of some other people! I pushed passed her shoulders. She staggered but refused to move. Fine by me, get ran over. Five sharp nails dug into my skin, pulling me back.

"Dammit- Stop it Temari!"

"No!" Again for the second time she put herself in front of me, every time I tried to leave. What was with this women, did she have a death wish? Teeth grinding. Fists clenching. Temper flaring. I struggled to keep it together.

"You're pissing me the fuck off!"

"What are you going to do about it? Hit me? Fight me?" The veins bulged in my forehead. Quit nagging me! Just everyone quit nagging me! 'Even the roughest women is tender to the man she loves, he just has to be smart enough to see it.'

"Ugh get out of my head!" Damn old man! don't trying sneaking your way into my life now, when you've been gone for what seems like months already…I have to live a life without you now! So stop trying to come back into my memories.

"What are you talking about… Shikamaru?" I hit the hand that reached out for me.

"Just stay away, okay!" I shouted at an unmoving figure. Damn why was she so persistence…how was she so fucking brave? I turned to leave, I turned to run, to escape this sinking feeling I felt the moment I realized he was gone. With his death, I fell into a grave with him. Buried under the rock, dirt and blood. Eventually to be forgotten, like I was never there…like he never existed.When I felt her hand grab me, my brain couldn't even register what is was anymore. I had lost it.My forehead connected with her shoulder as I slammed her into a nearby tree. The sound of her cries echoed in the pit of my heart. Realizing what I had done I tried to back away but my ha da were glued to her"…I'm sorry….i'm so sorry…"

I want to say her breathing was heavy and rapid, she was scared she was nervous but I'd just be lying. It was my own body I felt disconnected to. Everything was…disconnected. Two strong hands held my back. Keeping my falling frame up right, just as easily or effortlessly as my old man use to. "It's okay Shikamaru, it's okay…"

My fingers slowly massaged the framework of her small shoulders. It was amazing how strong they were….i wish I could just emulate that. The ground quickly became closer and closer, as I found myself kneeling, sinking into the earth. Ready to disappear…

Tender hands rubbed the back of my neck, they had been doing this circular motion for hours now. The warm ground was now cold and hard. The morning skies that I thought were grey, were black now. The moon looked evern further than it had ever looked before.

"…I don't know what to do…" my arms wrapped onto her waist tight. Breathing in the scent of her skin and hair was more addictive to me then cigarettes now. I carved this now….The rise and fall of her chest was my calm in a vast sea storm. It steady my unsteadiness with out even trying. " to go on…living without him…is "

"Possible." Her voice was so soft and delicate in my ear. I had to look up to see if I was still with the same women. " It doesn't become easy, it becomes possible. It will be possible for you to live on Shikamaru. I promise you…"

"You sound so sure. Everything use to be so sure…and now, nothing is. Our village is destroyed. Our friends and family are dead…what do we have to fight for, nothing matters."

"Everything matters Shikamaru …you still have everything." I was forced up by her roughness of her tender embrace " Yes! your village was destroyed, but that doesn't mean it can't get rebuilt… yes you lost friends and family, but that doesn't mean they still aren't with you! For your friends and family who are still here with you. They matter, YOU matter!" She paused looking deep into my eyes. " You can be lost Shikamaru for now, but Dammit you cannot be lost forever. I WON'T let you! you can pout, cry, cruse me out or even fight me if that's what it takes to get you back! You idiot you're not just important to me, but to others too! Your father understood that, that's why it was easy for him to die!" …. What… " It wasn't because he was being selfish or that he wanted to be a war hero, he knew what he was leaving behind in you and in all of us. He trusted us! You have to be able to trust yourself! For someone so damn brilliantly smart that is your problem!"

"…but…i…" i…I didn't know what to say at this point. Words were something of a different concept to me. How did she know I felt that way about him…how I was mad at him for dying. For hurting my mom beyond words, for leaving me here to struggle and figure out what in the hell to do next, in the midst of all this chaos. " I … just do-"

"…Don't know what to do next…and that's fine. You don't have to have it already figure it. Hell you don't have to have it figured out today or tomorrow. But eventually you'll have to start trying. You've got you, or whatever it is that's eating away at you, will destroy you. I know for a fact your father would not want that for his son." My dark eyes looked down at intertwining fingers. How could something so delicate be so strong? They moved to cup my face so I looked directly into those massive teal eyes. A place were her emotions could safety overflow onto me. "If you a need purpose to get up everyday I'll find you one, if you need a reason to live I'll find you one too! If you somehow get lost…and forget who you are and need help remembering, I'll stand by your side and remind you EVERYDAY. Just don't…please don't … give up. Okay?"

"…okay…"

After that day I took some time to take Temari's words to heart. I sat in my bed, looking around and considering what she had said a few days ago. She was right…I was destroying myself.

I opened the door and curtain to my room. 'Let the light touch everything first Shikamaru, that is the first step.' Right… for someone so analytical you really were superstitious dad. I took down the entire curtains. The hit from the sun rays instantly recharged my inner being. 'Next best thing for me is to always have order. If you have order in your home you'll have order in your life. Hah! but most men would say if you have order in your life, it's because you have order with your wife. Ha, but you have some time to go with that one kid!'

Right, next best thing, order. I quickly began cleaning my room, which was a pigsty to say the least. However I didn't feel satisfied after that. I felt the need to do more. So I did, I cleaned the whole house.

With life being the way it was for my mom and I now, little things like cleaning the house didn't seem as important anymore. For my mom to let that slip…she really had to be hurting, and I was just too blind and selfish to see.

"Shikamaru?" I didn't even hear my mom come down the hall.

"Oh mom, sorry if I woke you."

"No you didn't, it's 6 in the morning I normally get up at this time…but not you. Are you okay?"

"Yea, I wanted to help you clean the house."

"Oh…I'm sorry, I guess I've been letting it go haven't i? If my own son noticed."

" No mom you didn't let it go, in fact you did your best giving the circumstances. I was too busy with myself to even notice. I'm sorry."

Without warning I went over and gave my mother a hug. It's not like I needed to tell her I was doing this, but it just wasn't in my nature to be open and touchy feelings. " I want to help you with dinner tonight too. I know your going over Ino's to help her and her mom with some of the children and teens they've been fostering."

"Well…thank you Shikamaru, really."

"Oh I almost forgot, I have to run a little errand. I have to do something for the next shinobi alliance meeting."

"Oh okay, don't take too long."

I should make it, I had been running like a mad man down the streets. It's only 6:25…she should just be walking past the gates. "Temari!"

"Huh? Shikamaru, what are you doing here?"

"I…came…to see…you off."

"See me off? You weren't escorting me. You didn't have to do that."

"I know…b..but I wanted..to" she waited for me to catch my breath. " and…I also wanted…to give you this."

"What are you talk-" my lips met hers and her lips felt just like I imagined they would; soft, inviting, warm. "W…what are you..." Blushing she stared at me. Bewilderment written all over her face.

" I never got a chance to tell you…thank you for saving me."

"I….i…you're welcome."

"I spoke with lady Fifth, and I'm being put back on duty with the shinobi alliance…they were happy to see me back."

"Shikamaru that's great!" I felt her arms wrap around me " I'm so proud of you…" proud of me? Hearing her say she was proud of me, that filled me with such warmth. For a while I have convinced myself I had stopped caring about what other people thought of me… but I was wrong.

" you were right. I needed a reason to keep fighting it's, not over yet."

"No its not. I'm glad you found a reason to keep going."

"I should say she found me." I saw her eyes widen at the realization of my words. I felt my own heart react to it as well. "Look…I know you have to get going…"

"Yea…new beginnings are starting in Suna too. And I have to be there to help."

"I know, others are depending on you too." I held her hands."I'll…see you at the next shinobi alliance meeting then?"

"Ha, yes you will, you take care Nara."

" I will, now that I have a reason to stay around for."

**_END, yea this was a short one shot. I have like 30 different stories going on right now, and I have to edit and post all of them sometime in the near future lol. Tell me what you think I hope you enjoyed!_**


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